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22 December 2007 @ 10:11 am
another difficult winter solstice for me  
It's about 6 AM Saturday but there won't be real daylight for over two hours.

I have been grateful for an absense of extreme cold which would make my "seasonal affective disorder" even worse.

But there has been way too much fog and dense cloudiness in December for all my efforts to avoid SAD to succeed.

But at least they kept it from being full-blown.

When full-blown, there is deep depression.

Instead, I am only suffering from the core symptoms -nervousness, anxiety, gastrointestinal upset, and persistent dull headaches.

This is all due to too much melatonin building up in my bloodstream because there is not enough light to turn off its production by my cells.

And even in Florida or Louisiana, days in mid-winter are only slightly longer and there is almost the same amount of cloudiness.

(The big advantage of down there is the absence of severe cold, which greatly amplifies SAD for me.)

And, I don't think I will ever be wealthy enough to go every winter clear to the equator or south, where I could really get quick relief. I also would not want to spend my money on such wasteful and disruptive travel instead of on things that can benefit others, not just me.

I also caught a bad cold that lasted til mid-week. These always aggravate SAD, so maybe I won't even be feeling it next week.

And, I did the wrong thing the last two weeks -I added fuel to the fire by working about 45 hours both weeks on an extremely difficult project I accepted at work. It is a favor for Boeing because they face a January deadline for a manual and they turned to us for help. I said I could do it because I would use scripting and macros and other automations for parts of the work. But I had to rush to create these so they are buggy and klunky. The stress from this is the worst thing I could subject myself to right now.

Ironically, I did it because every one else tends to disappear between about December 20th and January 3rd and if I fill that void, I can afford to head south about January 15th or later if the SAD and the weather get brutal

(If I'm the hero now when everyone else is burning off vacation days they never took in the summer, doing stupid stuff like shopping and pigging out indoors, I can cut out later when they all recover from this "holiday" nonsense and get back to work after New Years.)

....By the way, why do I never rant here in this journal about such things?

By not doing so, I only record a fraction of my life.

I leave out all the anger and heartbreak that constantly threatens to overcome me from my deep disgust with the political, social, economic, and cultural landscape that surrounds me.

Well, "Christmas" as it is still mockingly called, has become so grotesque, it's now about pushing up the aptly named "Black Friday" into Thanksgiving and turning late December into a 24 hour per day display of society's shameless and infantile addiction to consumerism.

...so there, That kind of comment is the part of me I leave out of this journal.

But I leave it out for a sad reason.

-because I think the things that make me bitter about the human race have STILL not gotten ugly enough to induce widespread awakening, disgust, and shame. (The key word is WIDESPREAD.)

And I also think the twin diseases of brain deadening from TV and soul deadening from consumerism are probably more than just long dark phases in history.

I think instead they might correspond with a final climax.

And that would mean there won't be any correction, cleansing, revival, awakening, or revolution, just a tragic END.

Since I thus lack HOPE for "WE", discussing WE in this journal is a waste of time.

So, the journal will continue to be a very incomplete record of my life, much more introverted than the life itself.

Friendships with individuals still work, even though there is no longer a society, culture, or citizenship for me to be a part of. But since humans that really understand reality are such a small fraction of the population, and since the population is so dispersed by sprawl, it is impossible for me to even be part of a physical like-minded COMMUNITY. (I am a very physically-oriented person, with a deep love for PLACES, so internet community may someday help keep me sane, but will never do more.)

So in recent years I have been trying to allow nature and beauty to replace all the missing "aware" humans as members of a community that I feel part of.

That's why those are so much of what I write about.

And this year, especially since helping in New Orleans, I have been thinking the poor around me in the city might still have promise.

I had concluded they were even more brain dead from constant TV viewing than the middle class in suburbia and thus equally uninterested in non-personal affairs. This came from riding the bus with them in recent years. They only seemed interested in sports and entertainment and were frighteningly ignorant of everything else.

But Katrina seemed to me to have made that no longer true among the poor in New Orleans.

So perhaps peak oil and the decay of our fraudulent financial system will awaken the poor in Dayton, not just make them suffer.

If they would awaken, I'd be able to feel like part of a physical community among them, because inner Dayton is dense enough for walking and transit which also are necessary for a true physical community.

My dream would be to have the poor around me paying attention to life instead of to distraction, and to use my increasing knowledge of alternative energy and food to help them create new ways to survive right here where they live.

This would be citizenship in a real physical community for me!

But since it remains only a dream, and since Katrina proved it would require tragedy to bring it about, I can't think of it as a HOPE.

And, as I said, 'Since I thus lack HOPE for "WE", discussing WE in this journal is a waste of time.'

...So, sadly, in 2008, just like 2007, the only "we" will be me, my cat, nature, beauty, and my family and friends in other neighborhoods or cities -still no physical human community.

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