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23 March 2008 @ 10:52 am
more thoughts about my future  
I'm at Dad's this Easter morning and it's sunny like Friday was and I just slept well.

I had a bad day yesterday because my allergies have begun yet it was bitterly cold and gloomy again. Once my allergies begin, 25-degree wind chills feel like minus 25-degree wind chills on my skin.

I have yet another Geo Metro engine that I bought in Circleville. Maybe this one will last more than 20,000 miles. Maybe I'll be lucky and won't have complications getting it swapped in.

I won't rant again about being a slave to cars and highways and about the lack of choices for saving money in a place that once called itself the land of opportunity.

I'll move on and put into words some other thoughts about the future and why it seems terrifying to me on bad days like yesterday.

First, I need to stop seeing myself as some kind of paranoid survivalist for deciding to plan an isolated life for myself with no real social components.

This is not because I hate people at all. In fact, this part of my decision is especially sad for me because I know the life of a loner so well from my past. So I will see a return to that mode as a regression if I don't resist seeing it that way. I was a loner in my early adulthood because I had things about my physical health that made me feel inferior and thus very shy. I also worked with surly people for many years in windowless offices filled with tobacco smoke because that was the norm until the late eighties.

But the bigger irony about my planned return to a solitary life is that I am not abandoning the commons but that we simply do not have a commons. (I am not the abandoner but the abandonee!)

12-lane freeways winding past Nashville's "batman" skyscrapers and "lifestyle centers" where farms used to be remind me of frightening science fiction, so they automatically give me a sense of mistrust and a desire for avoidance, yet these are the newest things being built by humanity for the "public".

In fact when I compare the two scary ways that an old man could die I strongly favor the one I will expose myself to the danger of.

This would be a death from snakebite or drowning or trauma, far from help, yet in a peaceful place with birds and water and warmth.

The other way is death from what is called spiritual impoverishment, close to other humans who could assist me in emergencies, but who never voice protest of how ugly and wrong the environment is or how corrupt things have become.

I need to sense deep acceptance of reality among others or I shouldn't depend on them or place trust in them.

I'm figuring out that these things are a big deal for retirement planning, and that's why I'm making my choices. There are senses of loss caused by my decisions that feel just like the recent deaths in my family. This is because I am letting go of hopes that I've had all my life.

I am learning right now that letting hopes die is almost as sad as having a relative die.