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01 September 2009 @ 09:08 am
I'll never fully understand these years  


I went through six days when I cried so much my face felt sore, and I couldn't even write again until now.

What really was the love that grew slowly over sixteen years into something so big it could do that?

I always knew that when I was away, James spent all her time thinking about me.

Since that was interrupted by death, the vacuum is so noticeable, I now think it was some kind of force or energy that stopped, not just the consciousness of an animal.

This grief is calm and beautiful because of the memories that keep flashing, unlike chronic depression which is a dark ugly throb.

The time of year when that comes back is just a few months away again.

I hope the Saint John's Wort I started taking five days before James died helps me.

My research told me that for what I experience, it is even better than the anti-depressants.

Those are better for stronger types of depression.

I know that at least I can function now, in spite of my sadness, and so I have a will to do the kinds of things I watched Dad learn to do in 2006 to remember Mom and to try to heal.

I started by finding my older pictures of James, from before I started this journal, and I put them in a new folder, James -2002 to late 2006.

Maybe next, when I am not this tired, I will write a story about what was so unique about her and put the link at the right side of my journal page.

And I can make a links page to ALL my pictures of James, which are now scattered among many folders here.

Other than these, I have no other thoughts about the future now, except about how to survive.

I know I have changed forever again.

But I don't know what things will be like in a few months or next year or after.

I am like in my boat, no longer floating on the force that came from James always thinking about me, and greeting me when I came home, and hugging me. But I'm still floating, but all I see is the horizon.